Your Child is Not Your "Mini-Me"

A colleague recently told me about her daughter's sixth birthday party. Her daughter invited five friends from her first grade class to get manicures and pedicures and enjoy some cake and goody bags. What seemed like a harmless afternoon of fun got me thinking about the message we send young children regarding their sexuality. 

I have an obvious issue with things like thongs for teens, baby bikinis, and makeup marketed towards nine year olds. But what about spa parties? Are we sending the wrong message to children by encouraging them to have their nails painted? By taking my three year old niece for a manicure have I contributed to the sexualization I clearly stand against? Most women look at the spa experience as female bonding time but we need to look at the underlying message we are sending. It seems we are focusing too much on what's "feminine" and "pretty" versus what gives you substance.

One thing I know for sure: footwear styles for young children have gotten out of control. I can't- for the life of me- understand why anyone under the age of eighteen is wearing high heels. Jessica Simpson has a line of kids' shoes and- surprise- there are boots with a heel and a wedge with a peep toe. On her website, it actually says "A low wedge creates a 'big' girl look." Why are we trying to create a "big" girl look? Our daughters can wear wedges when they are actually big girls. And by big I mean 18. 

This isn't to say this sexualization of young girls has occurred overnight. Barbie has been sending the message of unrealistic and unhealthy thinness and "perfection" since 1959. Certainly, Barbie's shirts have gotten tighter and her shorts have gotten shorter but the issue is compounded by the fact that the more technology we have, the faster the message gets sent. 

Ultimately I've come to these conclusions about young girls, fashion, and sexuality:

1) Whatever it is, it's probably not OK if it's a miniature version of adult sexuality.

2) Young girls don't need heels. Period. 

3) It's important to teach our daughters respect for their bodies- that means certain body parts should only see the light of day if you're in the bathtub.

I implore parents and educators to think carefully about the messages- both verbal and non-verbal- we send our young children. We have the power to stop this sexualization and rapid maturation of young girls. 

Tutor's Tip: Let kids be kids, not miniature versions of you.

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Recently, my neighbor from my childhood home passed away at the age of 80. Though I have known him my entire life and our families are very close, I was a little surprised at the depth of the sadness I felt.

My family has lived next door to the Somples since 1979. We have witnessed each other's births, first days of school, proms, weddings, backyard barbecues, and more. We have borrowed sugar from each other, collected the mail while the other family was on vacation, and told stories while leaning over the fence. 

Roger Somple was a man of integrity and character- character in many senses of the word. Character in that he had strong, clear beliefs and told you about them. Character in his personality- his booming voice could be heard for blocks. Mr. Somple exemplified the work ethic of past generations. In his younger years he was a Marine who fought in the Korean War. In his later years, he spent hours working in his garden and taking care of the yard. Mr. Somple worked hard to provide for his family. 

He also gave us the "Mr. Somple Dog Test" in which you hold a puppy up, keeping your hands under his belly, and watch his reaction. If he squirms, he's too feisty for a pet. If he lays quietly in your hands, he's a good dog. This instinctual judgement of character- even in a pet- is a skill that I admire and try to emulate today.

When I was 5 I decided to leave my house and look for my sister and Mr. Somple's daughter, Cathy, who I thought were playing next door. As the story goes, I entered the Somple home all by myself and began to look around. Apparently I was gone long enough for my mom to call the cops and begin a search of the neighborhood. When I was found, my parents were incredibly relieved that I had been safe in the home of the Somples.

To me, Mr. Somple's passing may be the end of an era- one in which men are committed to their work and their families; one in which families sit at the dinner table and tell stories; and one in which you can call on your neighbor in time of need. My biggest hope, however, is that the era isn't actually ending but just regenerating and we will again live in a country in which your kids can play in the neighborhood without fear and your neighbor will send over some vegetables from his garden. 

Tutor's Tips: Spend time with your neighbors. It makes your home a nice place to be and your children will undoubtedly grow from those relationships.

How a Traffic Light Can Make Your Heart Happy

I'm a big fan of the traffic light behavior management system. Teachers and parents have used many forms of this system but the concept is basic- green means your doing what you're supposed to be doing, yellow means you need to slow down and think about your behavior, and red means you need to stop and get back in control. I like this system because the rules are clear, the colors are easily identified, and it gives children a chance to get themselves together. 

A child I once worked with told me when she was on green she had a happy heart. She even drew a picture of a heart with a smile and put it on her desk to remind herself to follow directions. I find this to be an incredibly telling action, one that highlights the importance of our work in engaging with children. Children want to be happy, they want to do the right thing, and they want you to be proud. They want to stay on green and feel good about it.

This isn't to say we should give children what they want in order to keep them happy. In fact, there will be times her heart is sad because she didn't get her way. If she learns the lesson you intended to teach, your job is done. Ultimately, she'll understand why she can't have or do something and will follow the rules, stay on green, and yes- have a happy heart.

Our role in enforcing rules is to keep children safe, productive, motivated, and healthy. Creating and implementing a behavior management system that does just that is the key to a happy heart. Don't get me wrong- there will be times you have a sad heart or two in your house, but using a behavior management system as clear as the traffic light system keeps everyone moving in the right direction. 

Tutor's Tip: If your child's heart is happy, you're on the right track!