Casual Connections Blur the Lines

Today's arrest of Lyndhurst High School teacher and coach Scott Rubinetti hits close to home as he was a former colleague of mine in the Northern Valley school system. He served as the varsity football coach at Demarest High School where I served as the varsity cheerleading coach for 2 years. I will not comment on the specifics of this case or Mr. Rubinetti in general, allowing for the court system to assign guilt or innocence. I will, however, address one of the larger issues this story brings to light: the changing dynamics between students and authority figures. 

I've written about the sexualization of young girls and how the media has impacted their development, interests, and demeanor- an important component to this evolving dynamic.

Your Child Is Not Your Mini-Me:

http://tutorstips.blogspot.com/2010/11/your-child-is-not-your-mini-me.html

There is also a "casualization" between authority figures in the school setting and students. Many times I've heard students refer to teachers by nicknames or shortened versions of their names. "What's up, Smitty" shows me a student views their teacher as a peer, not as a respected authority figure, thus narrowing the distance between them.

The manner in which you address someone creates a clear boundary line and, in most cases, a necessary air of respect. To this day, when I see any of my former coaches, I address them by their title. One finally said to me "Jennifer, you're an adult. You can call me by my first name." I can't; the title Coach means too much to me.

In no way am I suggesting this casual conversation between adults and students leads to inappropriate contact but it certainly sets a tone of friendship. It is important for adults to purposefully and actively set distance between themselves and the children they interact with, accounting for the fact that children will test limits and are trying to establish themselves as individuals, especially during the teenage years.

My hope is that those working directly with students ensure they establish a respectful relationship and that those supervising those adults facilitate that process. The "casualization" between adults and students is just one factor in an ongoing problem of inappropriate relationships between adults and underage children, which unfortunately and tragically sometimes includes sexual contact. 

Tebowing Turns Violent

I, like all of you, was shocked to read the story of teens beating up their peers for Tebowing. For non-sports fans, Tebowing refers to someone who kneels in prayer, like Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow.

Read the full story at Fox News here:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/01/15/high-school-basketball-players-beaten-for-tebowing/?intcmp=trending




Of course, the boys should face all the penalties required by law. Beyond that, it is important that these boys receive counseling services. It is clear to me that they don't understand- or worse, care about- the consequences of their actions. No teenager with a respect for human life and a level head would intentionally and violently hurt someone, especially not for praying. I can't speak to their upbringing, but they clearly need some professional help to explore why they engaged in such a senseless act of violence.

For those boys, the intervention they receive after the incident is critical. We as parents and educators need to actively teach the children in our care to respect themselves, respect others, and to find the clear line between right from wrong before they make poor choices like these young teens.

Small Victories

Some days it's hard to stay positive. I know- I'm preaching to the choir. Parents and teachers of children with special needs often feel we don't get that "momentum" going. We don't feel that We got over the hump feeling. There's always another hump to get over. 

Parents and teachers of children with special needs- let's just think about today and celebrate . 

Let's celebrate that we didn't have to call Poison Control today.

Let's revel in the fact that our kids did not reassemble the computer after we disconnected it to stop the obsessive rewinding of Jungle Book.

Let's rejoice in the silence that exists only when they sleep or chew.

Let's bask in the glory of no phone calls home. (No news = good news!)

Let's delight in the fact that our teenagers with Autism did not steal a Dora book from Target.

Let's be thankful our sense of humor is still in tact, even if it's hanging on by a shred of dental floss.

And let's congratulate each other on doing the best we could do... today.

Breathe Deep and Carry On

I've noticed a few times each day that I feel as if I'm holding my breath. I notice this mostly when I'm in a rush, trying to tackle too many tasks at once, or answering 57 new emails. I've gotten good at maintaing a calm demeanor when supporting children exhibiting challenging behaviors, but I forget to do so over the course of any old day.

Taking a deep breath increases blood flow to all areas of your body, triggers an overall relaxation response, and allows you to think more clearly. Remaining conscious of your breathing helps you maintain a focused and positive perspective and make clear decisions- goals that are surely on all our minds.

Be sure to pause and take a deep breath (in through your nose, out through your mouth!), especially when working with children. Don't wait for a challenging behavior to arise to do so. A few times each day stop, let your shoulders drop, and breathe. Your stress level will remain lower throughout the day and you'll be ready to help the children in your life.

Undiagnosed ADHD: Looking Back

Diagnoses and acronyms are used so freely these days; every one claims to have something. People sometimes think I'm joking when I say I believe I have ADHD and was never diagnosed as a child. Knowing what I know now and looking back at my educational experiences, I think I'm one of the many people who struggled for years without an answer.  

In class, I heard everything- the teacher talking, Johnny turning a page, Sarah sharpening a pencil, the 5th graders on the playground, the birds tweeting. I was impulsive; I remember acting on an impulse even as I heard that little voice in my head say "Wait! Don't do that!" (That still happens sometimes!) I was hyper. Each night after dinner, I would say to my dog "You take the high road and I'll take the low road" and we would set off running in opposite directions. We ran circles around the dining room table until we collapsed.

Children with ADHD are often very bright. In third grade, I was placed in the Talented and Gifted program because my teachers thought I needed to be challenged in order to be more focused and productive at school. Humor is often mistaken for intelligence. Turns out I was just funny. And now, looking back, I probably just needed some modified instruction to meet my needs.

I really liked my high school basketball coach because he was clear in his directions and supportive each step of the way. I was a horrible player but I enjoyed the structure and the routine of the drills and the way he gave clear, constructive feedback to each player, even though he knew I wasn't going to bring him a championship.

My grades through elementary school, high school, and my undergraduate college program were not great. If I had a dollar for every time a teacher asked me what happened and said "But you're a bright girl!" I'd be a rich woman. I lacked the organization and time management skills to complete homework assignments and study productively. I eventually earned a 4.0 in my master's program after I had learned to manage both those skills as an adult.

As an adult I have over compensated. I am hyper organized because I got tired of  feeling a loss of control. I got tired of the jokes "Jennifer's always late" or "Jennifer's room is a pigsty". It was hurtful because both tasks- time management and organization- were things I struggled with daily. I gradually learned to remove excess items from my home, create categories and spaces for all my belongings, and give myself ample to time to arrive at a destination. I've also closely examined how long tasks truly take so I can better manage my time.

Time management, impulsivity in my words and actions, organization of my thoughts and belongings, focus, and clear communication are all skills I struggle with each day. I work hard at creating a task list for myself each day and following a task through to completion before moving on to the next one. I work hard to only tackle a task when I know I have ample time to complete it. I work hard to organize my thoughts before speaking. I know that I need routine and structure to keep myself together and that I could fall apart if I don't maintain both. I sometimes fail at these tasks but luckily I've also learned to forgive myself and try again.