Domestic Abuse in Young Relationships

I started writing this blog last week after reading an article about the trial of George Huguely, the former college lacrosse player accused of killing his girlfriend, Yeardley Love, who died of blunt force trauma to her head.

Then, Rihanna and Chris Brown released new songs, guest starring on each other's records.

And yesterday, 26-year-old Charles Ann of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was arrested for deliberately and repeatedly running over his girlfriend with his car after she tried to break up with him. Aena Hong died shortly after this gruesome attack.

I am deeply troubled by these stories of violence involving young women and, regarding Rihanna, such disregard for the seriousness of domestic abuse. Each story is so different, yet there are lessons to be learned from each.

It seems to be well documented that Yeardley Love and George Huguely engaged in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship over the course of two years. As standout athletes and students, they outwardly appeared to have it all but behind closed doors, things were falling apart. Huguely admits to shaking Love and "perhaps" grabbing her neck on the night she died. Many eyewitnesses, classmates, and friends report a series of violent and abusive exchanges between the couple.

In the Fort Lee case, numerous eye witnesses report watching Charles Ann hit Aena Hong with his car then back up and run over her at least three times. On-lookers were distraught as the attack happened so quickly there was nothing they could do to help. One man even tried to open the car door to get Ann to stop. A woman said she held Hong's hand and told her "I'm here with you. You're not alone." because that's all she could do for her. Authorities described their dating as "tumultuous" and community members recall seeing a physical altercation as well as "outbursts" from Ann in the past.

Then there's Rihanna, who was beaten so violently by her then-boyfriend Chris Brown her face was bloodied and bruised. A restraining order was appropriately put into place to bar Brown from making contact with her. That restraining order has long since expired and it seems she's decided to get close to him again.

I'm incredibly sad for the girls who were murdered and disheartened by Rihanna's decision to collaborate with her abuser. The other girls did not make it out alive. They did not live to sing songs or dance with their friends or go shopping in Paris. They are dead because the violence got so out of control they lost their lives. I don't expect Rihanna to run around spewing words of hate towards Chris Brown forever, and I accept that she was unwillingly given this role as "role model for women involved in domestic abuse" but she should have just stayed away from him. All she had to do was avoid contact with him to show she does not condone his behavior or treatment of her. Instead, she and Brown were seen leaving the same recording studio within 15 minutes of each other. The message this has sent to young girls is that if some time passes and the situation cools down, you can go back.

All of these cases highlight the importance of teaching emotional health to young children and teens, particulary as they begin to date. As parents and educators, we must make sure children and teens understand the markings of an unhealthy relationship and ways to get out. 

It is crucial that parents and educators craft an open relationship with the children in their care by initiating conversation; many children aren't apt to share in that way. Start by using these talking points to begin your conversation with your pre-teen and teenage children, especially as they begin to show interest in dating.

No one has the right to speak to you in a hurtful way

Many abusers will "break down" their victims by belittling them so they feel weak. Words are powerful and no one has the right to use them as a weapon against you.

State your needs and leave if they are not being met

Why stay with someone if they don't give you what you need? If they don't measure up to your expectations, leave. Someone else will.

You are strong
You may envision a life of sadness without this person in your life but you are strong. You will heal and find love again.

If you feel unsafe, ask for help

Talk to a teacher, coach, or parent. Listen to the little voice in your head and say the words "I don't feel safe" to a trusted adult. If you're not sure how to end the relationship, someone will be there for you.

Opening dialogue with your child lets her know you care and will support her through difficult times. It very well may save her life.

For more information, please visit:
http://www.thehotline.org/