100% Every Day of the Week

In speaking with a frustrated mother recently, I tapped into her desire to succeed, in all aspects of her life. (Women with this penchant for perfection can spot each other from a mile away.) This mom, like many others, is highly-motivated to organize and execute plans both at work and at home. She expects those around her, both co-workers and family members, to stay in line and follow her plan. 

Doesn't that sound silly when you say it out loud but how many of us are guilty of allowing the need to control control our lives? (Count me, for sure.)

As we were talking about how stressful it is for her that her son continues to "fall of the wagon" and hit his peers instead of express himself appropriately, our conversation stumbled on something so important, every parent and educator should consider this.

She told me she feels guilty when she forgets to give a star on the star chart for good behavior or when she yells instead of taking a deep breath and approaching a volatile situation with a calm and supportive stance. I explained to her that she was doing everything in her power to support her son, raise a healthy family, maintain a loving relationship with her husband, and manage a successful career. She is doing a hell of a job. She is giving 100% every day of the week.

The key is this: 100% on Monday does not always look like 100% on Tuesday.

Simply, if you can put your head on your pillow at night and know you have given everything you have to give that very day, you have done a good job. You won't always follow through on the behavior rules, you will occasionally nag your husband, and you will make a mistake at work. If you can, however, do the best you can as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, and colleague each day, you can feel good about yourself and that is the key to staying positive, which in turn helps the children in your care.

These Are the Dangers In Your Neighborhood

A 3-year-old Missouri girl disappeared a week ago while riding her bike in front of her home. Her neighbor confessed to finding her in his backyard, bringing her inside his house to suffocate her with a garbage bag, and disposing of her bike and body. He confessed immediately to police and told them everything, except why he did it. Her body was discovered yesterday.

First, I am angered again by a story of a child unable to live safely in her own neighborhood. Like the story of Leiby Kletzky, I am disheartened that children are targeted right in their own comfort zones. 

Click here to read a blog about Leiby Kletzky:

http://tutorstips.blogspot.com/2011/07/in-honor-of-leiby.html

In no way do I mean to place blame on the parents for not supervising their daughter, but I can't help but ask other parents Do you let your children play in front of your house without an adult present? 

I can only assume these parents felt safe in their community and therefore allowed her to ride her small pink bike, complete with training wheels, on their block. The thought that they sent their young daughter out for an afternoon of fun and she never came home is devastating. 

Please feel free to share any tips you have for keeping your children safe while playing outside in your community. Let this poor family's pain result in the sharing of information among parents and, hopefully, save another child's life.

Tutor's Tip: Pray for this family and all families of children who do not make it home each day.

A $50,000 Lie

A family attended a charity hockey event last week in Minnesota and signed up for the chance to make a long-distance shot and win $50,000. Both twin brothers signed up but when brother Nick's name was called and he was outside, Nate stepped up to take his place, unbeknownst to the event organizers. 

After Nate made the shot, the father, who had originally suggested Nate step in, had second thoughts about claiming the prize money. He told those in charge about the lie. Odds On Promotions, the insurance carrier for the charity event, has not made a statement saying if the family will get the money or not.

I know that some of you will let greed get the better of you and speak ill of this father, saying How could he blow an opportunity like that? I have to say, I commend him. He made a poor choice by prompting his son to lie and claim to be his brother but he ultimately did the right thing and set the right example for his children. The lesson for children is if it doesn't sit right in your heart, it isn't right. The father knew he couldn't accept the prize money knowing the family had been dishonest. It was a small lie, one that no one would have ever uncovered but he came clean, and for that, I applaud him.

To read the original article go to Fox News:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/08/16/minnesota-boy-may-lose-50g-for-amazing-hockey-shot-because-dads-honesty/

Tutor's Tip: $50,000 is a lot of money but teaching your children to lie is a costly mistake. Honesty will always be the best policy!

Toddlers & Tiaras: Terrible!

I recently sequestered myself to the couch for a lazy day of TV-watching, attempting to slow down my summer schedule. I flipped through the channels and found "Toddlers and Tiaras" a show I had heard much about since its 2009 premiere but never seen. At first, I thought the parents' antics in preparing their children for "competition" were just for show but as I continued watching, I realized These people have some serious issues.

I'm not a huge fan of pageants and child models to begin with. That said, my friend's children modeled and the minute they said they didn't want to do it anymore, it was over. They have a little chunk of change put away for college and they clearly have not suffered any adverse affects from having their picture taken for a few years.

The pageant world, however, is a dark and twisted place, full of back-stabbing, narcissism, and unhealthy self-image issues. Imagine all that for a developing child, just forming their first opinions of themselves and those around them. Children as young as 18 months compete in some of these pageants! Parents carry young toddlers on stage, dripping in sequins and hairspray!

I cannot seem to shake what I saw in just one episode: a five-year-old girl being spray-tanned, a six-year-old boy getting yelled at by his mother for not accurately completing his choreography, and a two-year-old with a bad cold being forced to compete, when she obviously needed to get some rest.

The absolute worst part of it all was the blatant disappointment in each of the mother's faces when her child had "failed" to accomplish whatever goal she believed should have been accomplished. 

Now, if your child makes a poor choice, such as aggressing towards another person or intentionally being mean to someone, by all means, let him know you expect more from him. But to ridicule him because he forgot dance moves? To roll your eyes because she didn't shake her hips enough? To huff and puff because she didn't make eye contact with the judges? I just can't get on board with that and I am appalled that this show is on the air, that people continue to watch it, and that the authorities haven't stepped in to speak to these parents about emotional abuse.

It is our job as adults to instill confidence in our children. It is our job to show them how to feel good about their efforts. It is our job to teach them how to trust themselves and others. This show does not promote any of these positive interactions. In fact, these parents are teaching their children to be unsure of themselves, to equate physical appearance and performance with love, and to feel "not good enough," which will undoubtedly affect their emotional health as they grow older.

Clearly, I will not be watching this show again and I suggest you change the channel and find something of value to view. Better yet, take your child out back and throw the ball around with him. Engage in an activity that will make him feel loved and supported but don't waste your time with this garbage.

Tutor's Tip:  Build your children up, don't break them down!

The Birthday Trifecta

On Saturday, I took my three-year-old niece to not one, not two, but THREE birthday parties, as my sister had a previous commitment. I consider myself a knowledgeable aunt  (a knowledgeable Tee Tee, to be precise) and a special educator but I am not a parent. The world of birthday parties that do not involve a great meal and fine wine is foreign to me so this was quite an experience. I decided at the end of the night I should reward myself for surviving the day with a nice glass of aforementioned vino but found I was too tired to get the corkscrew out. (8:00 bedtime for me. Parents, how you do this ALL day then stay up AFTER the sun has gone down is beyond me.) 

I took the opportunity to jot down some notes on the Blackberry while my niece participated in the third and final party, a gymnastics class in which parents and aunties were kindly reminded to wait outside and watch through the glass. That rule is clearly made for helicopter parents and neurotic aunties. Also, the Blackberry was obviously invented by a Mom, on a Saturday, at a gymnastics party.

1) My niece is a rock star- an all-around great kid. She is very confident and enjoys talking to people, often chatting with customers at my sister's store. I was reminded of how unsure of themselves young children can be when she announced she wanted a turn on one of the bikes and I told her she could ask the little girl for a turn. Her response? A puzzled look and "But I don't know her." She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that she could know her, just by exchanging a hello. I told her all she had to do was introduce herself. She hesitated but finally went over to the girl and said her name and asked for the girl's in return. How intimidating it must be for a tiny person to approach another tiny person and ask, GASP, for a turn on the bike! That said, how many opportunities do we as adults miss because we simply don't say "Hi, I'm Jennifer."

2) Kids never sleep when you want them to and always do when you don't. For example, the hour and a half time slot in between Party #1 and Party #2 would have been optimal nap time, had I any say in the matter. My niece, however, used that 90 minutes to discuss the contents of the goody bag from Party #1 while continuously asking me if I could read the labels once more just to make sure there are really no peanuts in a Ring Pop. (Kudos to her for being her own advocate, as my sister rightfully taught her.) Then, while leaning against the wall waiting for her turn on the trampoline in the middle of Party #3, she started to doze. Luckily, her turn was next.

3) An hour and a half is exactly the perfect amount of time for a birthday party. Is that written in the parenting handbook or do you parents just pass the secret around? (Wait…No parenting handbook?)

Thanks to all the nice parents who didn't bat an eye when I had to use a napkin to wipe the cheese and sauce off my niece's slice of pizza (the only way she'll eat it), helped me put on the swimmies ("Ummm, is there some trick to this?" Turns out there is- you have to wet them), and chatted with me while I nervously watched my niece / felt slightly out of place. It turned out to be a great day for everyone.

Tutor's Tip: When sending your child to 3 birthday parties in one day with someone other than yourself, pack extra clothes, clearly label the gifts, and make sure that person has the invitations so she doesn't get lost. Thanks to my sister for making my job easy!

In Honor of Leiby

From the minute I saw the news report, I couldn't shake the story of Leiby Kletzky. There was something about his face, his walk, that emanated innocence. As details emerged and we learned he was walking to meet his mother, that he had begged for the chance to test his independence, my heart broke more. His parents had even walked the seven block route he was to take that day the Friday before, to ensure he was familiar with his surroundings.

As video emerged of Leiby talking to a man, we anxiously awaited news of the boy's whereabouts. A local news station interviewed a mother from his neighborhood and she made a comment that has haunted me. As she glanced down at her own young children, she said "Our kids don't watch TV, they are sheltered in our community. They don't know they should be afraid." 

No one knows for sure what Levi Aron said to Leiby or why Leiby got in his car, but the thought that Leiby felt safe in his community, which is traditionally void of crime, but wasn't makes me both incredibly angry and desperately sad. I can't wrap my head around the fact that we live in a world where a nine-year-old boy can't stop and ask for directions. 

Now all the "experts" are weighing in on how old a child should be before setting out in the neighborhood by himself. The truth is these parents did everything right. They waited until they thought he was old enough. They chose a short walk for his first trip alone and planned a route, which they practiced together, for him to take. They live in a community they trusted and in which they were active members. People knew this boy but sadly, there wasn't a familiar face he could ask for help. Leiby went with the stranger who would ultimately bring his short-lived freedom to an end.

Tutor's Tip: Pray for the Kletzky family and all the families of young children who don't make it home each day.

Big Man, Big Music, Big Loss

As I sit around the table on this lazy Sunday morning, surrounded by my parents and grandfather, we're chatting and reading the paper. I'm reading an article about the passing of Clarence Clemons, long-time Bruce Springsteen saxophonist and music legend. I'm struck by how sad I am at the loss of a person I never met, but had the pleasure of seeing in concert many times. I'm compelled to rationalize my tears and I suddenly realize how much the music has meant to my family.

My mother and her friend Barbara brought me and my friend Bethany to our first Springsteen show. Bethany and I were ten years old. We had floor seats, tenth row center and couldn't see over the adults in front of us. We jumped up on our seats and began to sing our hearts out. Our mothers were worried the people behind us would be annoyed but they smiled at us and sang along. They told us they were impressed that we knew all the words. That's the thing about a Bruce show- it was an experience to be shared among strangers. The music brought you to a place of joy and you knew you were all in the presence of greatness. And when Clarence hit those notes in "Jungleland" or "Born to Run", man, it brought the house down.

I was so moved by the music, when fourth grade rolled around and it was time to select an instrument to play, I chose the saxophone. I liked it because no one else wanted to play it and because I had seen Clarence play. I was going to be cool. I could imagine myself rocking out, playing a solo, just as smooth as Clarence. I didn't last very long because I was a scrawny ten-year-old and the weight of the saxophone strapped around my neck hurt and the case weighed more than I did, but I was a rock star for a year. I have Clarence to thank for that.

My parents always had music on in the house and always made sure we knew who we were listening to. My sister and I have such an appreciation for good music, especially the artists my parents grew up with. They always had a story to go along with a song- a first dance, a trip down the shore with friends, or the story of how my then-thirteen-year-old mother was disappointed she couldn't go to Woodstock.

In an age where music isn't really music at all and just some noise produced in a studio, I value the artists my parents exposed me to. In fact, when I got my first apartment after college, I took my parents record player and their records and set up shop. To this day, when I clean the house, I throw on "Born in the U.S.A." and dance as I dust, just as my mother did all those years ago.

Clarence Clemons' music will be missed and his absence on the stage will be noticeable. Bruce Springsteen shows will never be the same but we'll always have the records.

Tutor's Tip: Sharing your love of music will strengthen your bond with your children as it gives them a clear picture of your history and connects them to you in the present.

What Fathers of Special Needs Children Do

They find a way to do the "guy stuff" Dads like to do with their sons.

Challenger baseball league? SIgn them up. Teaching him to ride a bike? With the support of an ABA therapist, a PT consult, and 3,234 hours of practice, no problem. Fathers of children with special needs find a way to connect with their children, and if it's an activity Dad really enjoys, well, all the better.

They give Mom a break.

You can spot the father of a child with special needs at the zoo, playground, or mall on a Saturday. His kids are getting a little bit louder than the others and he's checking his watch to see if he's been out of the house long enough for Mom to do a load of laundry/call a friend/take a 20 minute nap. He holds out for another 15 minutes, balancing his responsibility to keep the kids safe and occupied with his responsibility to support his wife.

They answer frantic calls from home.

This is the guy in your office or sitting on the train next to you who constantly says "I've gotta take this, it's home." He always makes time for a crisis call, which could include anything from "Don't forget we have an appointment with the developmental pediatrician tomorrow" to "Your son just got his leg stuck in the fence." He responds accordingly.

They attend school meetings and doctor's appointments, regardless of what's going on at work.

This could require rescheduling conference calls, asking a client to do a dinner instead of a lunch, or asking their boss for a day off…again. Fathers of children with special needs are involved in their family's life, regardless of the juggling it takes.

Tutor's Tip: Celebrate the fathers who strengthen and support our families! Happy Father's Day!

The Party's Over

Autism Awareness Month is over. The blue lights have been turned off, the news stations will go back to reporting local crimes instead of stories of hope, and we will go on with our lives, raising children with Autism. As a teacher of children on the spectrum, I know that awareness about Autism needs to be raised year-round and the nation needs to know that these children are here and they-along with their families- need help. 

The list of what the Autism community needs is long: insurance coverage for therapies, job opportunities for adults on the spectrum, continued training for educators, emotional and financial support for families, etc. Deirdre Imus wrote a great article for Fox News about a generation of young people with Autism growing up and the impact that will have on our nation in the near future. I also wrote three articles for Fox News to highlight Autism Awareness Month, and discussed vocational training, guardianship for adults with Autism, and a dye-free diet, all topics families are exploring right now.

My hope is that now that Autism Awareness Month is over, the conversation about this disability affecting so many children and families across the country continues at a more rapid rate and we get more answers soon.

Tutor's Tip: Continue to advocate and educate for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders each and every day.

Click here for Deirdre's article on Fox News:

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/03/28/having-adult-conversation-autism/

Click here for my articles on Fox News:

http://www.foxnews.com/contributor/jennifer-cerbasi/index.html

We Need a New Calendar

As we peek past our spring breaks and peer towards the looming end of the school year, I can't imagine a teacher who doesn't say "How am I ever going to get through all this material?" Between holiday breaks, half days, professional development days, student illnesses, staff illnesses, assemblies, fire drills, lockdown drills- and any other interruption you can think of- the current school calendar is not conducive to student achievement.

Most teachers will tell you they spend a significant amount of time in September, and even into October, reviewing skills students should have mastered the previous school year. As any good teacher knows, you cannot move on in the curriculum unless prerequisite skills are mastered. This delays instruction tremendously and puts pressure on the timeline we have in front of us.

The issue regarding students' lack of retention of skills isn't necessarily the amount of days away from instruction, it's the fact that the days are consecutive. Having a ten week gap between school years creates ample opportunity for skills to vanish from a student's grasp. If we pace our instruction, and in turn pace our breaks, we will see stronger attendance, increased focus, and an influx of energy from both staff and students that will surely lead to more productive, deeper, and longer-lasting learning.

A new school calendar in which six to eight week cycles of instruction are followed by a one week recess would create more of a "marathon" perspective to education. Knowing each school year is a long road of carefully-guided steps implemented by teachers,  this approach allows students to absorb material in manageable units, rest, and come back prepared for a new cycle. Teachers could use the one week recess to reflect on assessments, organize new material, and gauge the next direction of instruction. All professional development for staff, staff meetings, and parent-teacher conferences could take place during the week off, thus ensuring less disruption to teacher-student contact time. 

Remembering to pace yourself is beneficial in all areas of life- especially when it comes to learning. We all know students who "cram" for a test are less likely to retain information so we should consider less "cramming" during the current school year and pace ourselves for longer-lasting learning.

Tutor's Tip: Pace yourself when running the education marathon.

When I Grow Up: Part 3

The key to any great idea is what you can do right now to set it in motion. When discussing reforms in our education system, there are many great long-term plans on the table, with clear steps to achieving those goals. Parents and educators must realize there are lots of things we can do now to support our children, while the system is going through changes.

There are loads of books about parenting- parenting newborns, parenting toddlers, parenting children with special needs. What about parenting young adults? We know your job isn't done when your children reach college so what can you do in the time just prior to dropping them off at the university of their choice?

This series of blogs has explored the need to support children as they find a path to a career they love. This blog will give parents and educators some tips to facilitate that process, as fostering the development of a young adult who finds joy and fulfillment in their lives and their work is the ultimate goal for all of us.

Parents

Do you know a skilled craftsman? A doctor with great bedside manner? A creative writer? You surely have friends and families engaged in careers your child may have interest in. Invite these people for dinner so you and your child can "pick their brain." Give that person a heads-up that you want to ask them about their expertise to make sure they are comfortable with being in the spotlight. Most people are happy to talk about their work and share the story of their journey.

Have you participated in "Take Our Daughters/Sons to Work Day?" Have you also used it as a day to hang out with your child and take him out to lunch? Though a great opportunity for family bonding, the original purpose of the day was to expose children to career options and show them that hard work, education, and experience can bring them to a job they love. If your department or role isn't your child's cup of tea, arrange for him to spend time with a co-worker. Help your child draft a list of questions he can ask during his day. Make the most of this time- it's not just a day off from school.

Teachers

Your school may not have a work experience program that sends students out to learn about careers but that doesn't mean you can't bring the experience to them. Guest speakers are a free and easy way to initiate a discussion on careers in the classroom. Be creative in your selections and the topics you discuss. Do you have a Vietnam veteran coming to your History class to talk about the war? Ask what he does for work now and how being a soldier prepared him for his career. Do you have a curator of a museum coming to talk about Art History? Ask what jobs she held before this one that led to her current role.

If the question "When will I ever have to know this?" makes you cringe, you likely teach students between the ages of 13 and 18. I challenge you, teachers, to answer the question. Show them how these skills, facts, and knowledge will be utilized in real-world applications and in careers. Show these young skeptics that algebra, grammar, art history, chemistry, and geography all have a purpose. An interest in athletics and physical education could lead to a career as a personal trainer, physical therapist, or sports medicine. A love of literature could result in a job as an author, a school library media specialist, or screenwriter. The possibilities are endless. 

The most important message parents and educators can send young adults is that establishing connections in your field will undoubtedly help your career. This does not mean you can skate by on connections alone- in fact, it's just the opposite. Tell students that if they are lucky enough to have a work experience program at school or to land an internship, make the most of it. Encourage your children to talk to everyone at their job, ask questions, and pay attention. The more people you know and the better they know you, the more doors open. We have all heard about a job opening through a friend, former colleague, or acquaintance who said "I think this job sounds right for you." By making yourself, your work ethic, and your curiosity known, you have created an image of reliability that is appealing to any employer, regardless of the field. Encouraging children to be active participants in the search for the right career enables them to make educated decisions and creates possibilities for the future. 

When I Grow Up: Part 2

Teachers and parents constantly ask young children "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Firefighters, teachers, and ballerinas abound among the three and four year old set. 

Why do we stop asking children this question after preschool? Why aren't we- educators and parents- exposing our children to a variety of careers and discussing the path needed to get there? After little or no discussion of career path for years, we send eighteen-year-olds to college and ask them to pick a major, which will shape their future as an adult.

Some high schools in the U.S. offer work experience programs for seniors who have completed graduation requirements and have good attendance records. These students are able to leave school for a short period of time and go to work as an unpaid intern in a position of their choice. If mentored properly, this could be a great opportunity for students to explore career options and get hands on experience before they invest their time and money in college. If a student finds he enjoys his work experience, this will shift his college search as he looks for schools with strong programs in his area of interest. 

The key to success for this type of program is the student's placement. It is the job of guidance counselors to make sure students are matched with appropriate jobs. I've had experience mentoring high school seniors and believe this can make a difference for teens considering careers. 

I mentored a young man a few years ago who, though he was incredibly respectful, hard-working, and responsible, had no intention of becoming a teacher. He choose a school setting because he thought it would be fun to hang out with my students. He was in my classroom for the last month of the school year. I will give him credit-he took feedback from me and he did a great job modeling social skills, engaging them in social activities, and even tackling some academic skills. Ultimately, it was a great way for him to spend the last month of his senior year of high school but it was not a life-altering event.

On the other hand, I mentored a young lady last year who was unsure of her career path at the start of her experience but left my class, one year later, deciding on a career in speech pathology. She was able to spend one day a week for a year observing classroom lessons, speech, OT, and PT therapies and becoming a fully-integrated member of our classroom family. Students looked forward to her visit and they were incredibly sad at the end of the year when she said goodbye. By spending an extended period of time in our room, she got to learn the ins and outs of education and ultimately chose a field which she has gone on to study in college. 

Offering students "real world" experience, especially when they are about to go off and study on their own, is the best use of their time. More schools need to take a look at this option as a way to support their students.

Tutor's Tip: Look for mentoring programs in your area and help your child gain experience. Can't find one? Approach your school's administration about creating one!

When I Grow Up: Part 1

I believe there are many good high schools in the US that are preparing students for a four year institution of higher learning. They are strengthening their math skills, guiding them to be more descriptive writers, and supporting their understanding of the history of our world and the future of our planet. These students are getting into great colleges across the country.

We are not, however, preparing students for the daunting task they face upon arrival at the college of their choice: what will they be when they "grow up"? 

We have created a generation of students who are so concerned with product they have lost the love of the process. I believe there is a healthy balance of each but by fostering an interest in process, we inherently generate creativity and passion, which often lead to a choice of career. "Thinking outside the box" in all aspects of life will show you where your child's strengths and interests lie and in turn, will help you broach the subject of career. 

If we strengthen and develop elementary and middle school curriculum, which I believe is happening across the country, we will be able to create room in high school coursework for electives, which should afford students an opportunity to explore areas of interest. The key for elective coursework is not to develop a hobby but to clearly and consistently incorporate a discussion about career opportunities in the field. Teachers of elective courses should have connections in their field, invite guest speakers to meet with students, incorporate meaningful field trips, and provide suggestions for areas of college-level study or post high school graduation job opportunities that will result in a more informed choice of career path.

I would love to see a variety of courses offered at the high school level, beyond the usual home economics and woodshop classes. Cooking classes taught by a chef, child development and education classes taught by an elementary school teacher, music courses taught by a producer or songwriter. Using professionals currently in the field provides our students with up to date information and techniques in their area of study. 

Now this only pertains to schools who have prepared their students academically. What about the schools that are dropping the ball in challenging their students? The ones who have high dropout rates? The ones whose students are committing crimes instead of committing to a college? That, clearly, is a separate and lengthy discussion, one that I will surely blog about in the near future.

Reforming curriculum and courses takes time. For now, you and your child should have a long and thorough discussion about course selection in high school. Encourage your child to take electives, when possible, to investigate areas of interest. Don't be afraid to reach out to the school guidance counselor for advice.

Tutor's Tip: Educators- be creative and be active in curriculum development. Propose new course ideas and revamp old ones to incorporate the exploration of careers for students. 

Career paths for students

Each morning, I scroll through the stories at www.foxnews.com and tweet the ones I think my followers will be interested in. This morning I came across a story about a study that shows the US is doing a poor job preparing students for careers.

Read the story here: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/02/02/study-students-need-paths-career-success/

I was so intrigued by this because I recently had this exact conversation with friends. I believe we limit students by forcing them to take classes in which they have no interest and leave little or no time for creativity and exploration. We send these students off to college at age 18 and ask them to declare a major. This seems like such an obvious flaw in our system, yet one that has received little attention.

I immediately found myself writing a blog, which has turned into a few blogs, as I think this story brings up many important issues. For starters, we need to look at the courses our students are offered, especially at the high school level. Next, we need to look at job opportunities, training programs, and mentoring partnerships to establish relationships and give our students a chance to have hands-on experience before they make a choice that will shape the course of their lives. Last, we need to look at what we- as parents and educators- can do right now to support our students as they navigate the education system.

My next few blogs will be addressing these issues and, as always, I welcome constructive comments and an open conversation about how we can improve the lives of our students.

A Social Experiment for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

A few years ago I took a chance with my class of nine to twelve year old students with Autism. It was the week before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and we had read books, watched movie clips, and done all the "equality" crossword puzzles I could find to learn about Dr. King's work. I knew, being literal thinkers, my students didn't really understand what Dr. King was fighting for. When we discussed Dr. King, I got the same response "We should be nice to each other." They didn't comprehend that people were actually restricted from places, activities, and opportunities because of the color of their skin. I knew I would have to find a new way to reach them.

After lunch, we were scheduled to play board games, a time I use to incorporate turn taking, conversation, and negotiation skills. This time would be different. I handed out purple and green stickers and instructed students to put them on their shirts. They said "Thanks, Ms. Cerbasi" and got up to choose a game. I asked everyone to sit down. 

"Today the rules for game time will be different," I began. "If you have a purple sticker, you can choose any game you want. You can sit at any table you want but you can only play with someone wearing a purple sticker." The purple sticker group went on their way. "Orange stickers. You cannot play games today. You must sit at your desks." 

"But Ms. Cerbasi! I want to play a game! That's not fair!"

I let the orange sticker group express their disbelief at my rule. The purple sticker group stopped what they were doing and looked at their peers. They all looked at me to see what I would do. I could see they were confused and nervous about this change of routine.

"Everyone sit down and listen. Today I changed the rules because I wanted you to learn about Dr. King. People with purple stickers, how did you feel when I told you that you could play any game?" They told me they were happy and excited. 

"People with orange stickers, how did you feel when I said you could not play a game at all?" I heard the words angry, sad, and unfair.

"That's right. It is not fair that people with purple stickers can do whatever they want and people with orange stickers could not play a game at all. Everyone should be allowed to play games together." 

I wasn't sure how to phrase the next question so they would make the connection between our experiment in class with discrimination. 

"Think about how the purple and orange groups were separate. Think about how some people were allowed to play games and some people were not. What do you think happened many years ago before Dr. King talked about being fair to everyone? Why is it so important that Dr. King said he wanted everyone to be able to work and play together?"

The room was quiet for a minute until one little boy raised his hand. 

"Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. didn't care if your skin was brown or white. He wanted everyone to go to the same places and to do the same things. He said you shouldn't be mean to someone just 'cause their skin is brown, like me."

He hung his head and tears filled his eyes.

"You're right. And one thing that is really good about Dr. King's work is that now we can all work together in our classroom and it doesn't matter what color your skin is." 

A smile spread across his face. The children in my class began to put their arms next to each other and compare their skin color. They talked about the differences in skin color, hair color, eye color, age, and gender they saw among themselves. They talked about places they could go and things they could do together, regardless of what they looked like. 

Clearly, the depth of our social experiment was surface level and did not illustrate the extent of the mistreatment people suffered, but in our small classroom community, with our own rules, my students understood that it is unacceptable to treat people differently because of what they look like, what they have, or where they come from. 

Tutor's Tips: This holiday is not a day for children to sleep late and play video games. Make sure the lesson of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr's work impacts your children today.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

A Twitter buddy, @KTsDivaMom , reached out to say hello and I took the chance to catch up on her blog posts I hadn't read in awhile. I found a post about an interaction she had with her son. 

Her son had been sick and could not practice his musical instrument. She agreed he could take a break but would have to make up the hours as he had to fill out a log sheet to document his practice sessions for school. The sheet had to be signed by a parent and returned to the teacher. After a gentle reminder, she allowed him to make his own choice about his use of time; like most 11 year olds, he chose video games over practice. The time came to sign the sheet and as she picked up her pen to sign the paper, she saw her son had lied about his practice time. She would not sign the paper. In fact, she crossed off the hours he had tried to slip in.

This struck me so deeply. This mother could have signed the paper and allowed her son to bring it back to school. The music teacher would have been none the wiser and her son would have returned to his scheduled practice sessions. She chose the high road and her son will surely benefit from that. 

By allowing your child to engage in a lie, even a teeny, tiny, perhaps white lie, you are teaching him that he can avoid consequences, he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own choices, and that manipulating others is acceptable. Now, as a parent, if your child suffers a consequence, you likely suffer, too. Since this mom did not sign the paper, there may have been a note sent home, saying "Please remind your son to practice" or an uncomfortable phone call from the teacher saying "You need to help him stay on track." Though a small consequence, it's a consequence all the same. You may think to sign the paper because it's a simple thing, not a big lie.  By lying to avoid consequences for yourself ("I don't have time to deal with this!"), you teach your child he can make poor choices and get by. Her son made his own choice not to practice and she taught him to stand on his own two feet. His lie is his lie alone. She was not going to save him. She also followed up with why the lie was bad. She talked about what it takes to be great at something- the hard work, dedication, and commitment. You're only cheating yourself if you fib.

Remember small choices eventually add up and equal habits. White lies can turn into hurtful lies. Poor choices at a young age lead to poor choices in adulthood, where the consequences are greater. Honesty is truly one of the greatest character traits you can model for your children. Even if it means you the parent get in a little trouble at school. 

Tutor's Tip: A quick fix for you is a lifelong problem for him. Help your child live an honest life. 

A Grandmother's Influence

When my sister, cousins, and I were younger and we disagreed with a male member of the family, my Nana used to laugh and tell us "Boys are stupid." Though you may question her choice of words, and, as a child, I certainly thought this was outrageously silly, the message she conveyed is now clear. Nana taught us that we don't need a man's permission or approval; in fact, she taught us the best way to get what we want is to go out and get it for ourselves. 

Our grandmothers are our strongest female role models because they know who they are. Young mothers in their twenties and thirties are still evolving, learning who they are as women, wives, and mothers. Grandmothers have already discovered the values and morals that they stand by, the secrets to a long and happy marriage, and the tricks to make a baby fall asleep exactly when you want her to fall asleep. My grandmother readily shared these secrets but the key to her relationships with us is that she never passed judgement and never pushed advice on us. She would listen carefully and nod along as we shared our story. There was nothing that could shock or upset her; in her 83 years on this Earth, 63 years as a wife, 62 years as a mother, 36 years as a grandmother, and 6 years as a great-grandmother she'd heard it all and loved us anyway.

Each one of the women in my family has achieved great success and, of course, some setbacks in both our personal and professional lives. Each time, we have carried ourselves with grace and dignity and used the confidence my Nana instilled in us to enjoy our achievements or brush ourselves off and try again. 

Tutor's Tip: Make sure your daughters spend lots of time with their grandmothers- it will shape who they become as women.

Nana Banana

Right before Thanksgiving, my grandmother, Mildred Gangeri, passed away at home surrounded by her family. Thanks to the amazing people at Hospice, she was able to be comfortable in her own home and spend time with her family. When she realized she was in her final days, she said "I want my grandchildren." We had a family dinner like you've never seen! 28 people in a two bedroom apartment with easily 20 trays of food! We crammed into my grandparents home to celebrate Nana's journey and to share some laughs. What a day it was! We took a picture of the whole family that now sits in a frame on the coffee table. My grandfather proudly showed that picture to all who came to share their condolences upon her passing.

I've taken some time off from writing to get my thoughts together and in that time, I've reflected on who my grandmother was and how she shaped our family. I'll be sharing some thoughts on the impact she has had on my life. I hope you find something in my posts that strengthens your relationship with your family because, at the end of the day, these are the people who will lift you up, dust you off, and fill you with love. A strong, supportive, healthy family is the key to raising successful children. Though I enjoy my work as an educator, I've been drawn to supporting families in the home setting for this reason. My hope is my work and my writing will help others reap the benefits I've been blessed to have by being Mildred's granddaughter and a member of my family.